The English

Stoning for the Modern Age
For those people not caught up in the airport chaos, Saturday afternoon offered a great British knees-up by the river.

Yes, today was the annual Adur Bath Tub Race -- an opportunity to once again prove that maritime excellence resides in the bones of every Englishman. After months of preparation approx. fifty teams gathered along the banks of the River Adur in Bramber, mid-Sussex, with contraptions that bared little relation to any boat I've seen before. There were three rules as far as I could tell. First, no engines. Second, compulsory life-jackets for the two man crews. Third, spectators could only throw flour bombs at the racers.

That's right. This was another chance for the English to (i) show what good sports they are, and (ii) be humiliated by a willing public. Kind of like a Big Brother day-out.

19, The Orange Submarine, sinks moments later - a perfect example of Directionless Britain
Okay, maybe I'm being unfair -- this was for charity after all. But there does seem to be a clear tendency these days for "doing things for a laugh" and "having a bit of fun", which I'm all for, but does it always have to be like that? As a nation we'd rather hide behind humour and cheekiness, than actually stand-up and try and be good at something. People are paralysed by a fear of failure, and don't even want to get into the position where they might be judged as such. The trouble with such thinking is that it leads to mediocrity. And that's what England seems to be to me in 2006. Mediocre. Popularity has become the touchstone for achievement. Popular soaps, popular news shows, popular products, popular people. It's so fucking bland.

And if someone IS trying to better themselves? The common response is to question their attempts. Normalize them. Make them conform. Because if they don't and they achieve something then they're saying something about you. Something you probably don't want to hear.

On the left -- Supersonic egg contrail!
Anyway. The boat race was funny and ridiculous and community re-affirming. The best moment? When Gordon -- incapacited by a wrist injury -- made me throw an egg at the motorised judging boat (which I hit) and moments later an announcement was made that eggs were strictly forbidden as missiles. Did I feel like I was bucking the system!

Gordon blames his fiance